Why Aren't You Cooking Ham Right Now?

Why Aren't You Cooking Ham Right Now?


Last year I made a ham. On the basis that even bad ham is still... well, ham, I went about my quest with vivid gusto. Because that is definitely a thing. I'm not a foodie, neither a foodie blogger. But I can understand why you would blog about food; It really is a quite a chemistry. Sourcing the Ingredients, the method, the timing, the flavour combinations. And unlike Chemistry you get a tasty treat. Plus, funnily enough there aren't any wildly popular chemistry blogs are there? Sorry chemistry, you have only brought blogging exile upon yourself.

On my journey to ham accomplishment, there were both times of great elation and pitfalls of utter despair. Was this arduous task worth it? Let's weigh up the pros and cons.

Pro: You get a whole ham

You get an end product. An actual tasty thing. Cooking is your activity, ham is your end product. That is at-least 2 things that you can blog about/Instagram. But obviously not Instagram, or your pictures will probably BE STOLEN and you'll be browsing WH Smith when you encounter your own ham! They hardbacked your ham!

Con: It's not all for you

You can't eat the whole thing. Part and parcel of cooking, especially at Christmas is the sharing of the food. You therefore have to dance a merry jig and offer everyone your ham.

You may get some lovely comments about your ham, but nevertheless there will, in essence be less ham for you. Festive pork tax - It's a price you must pay. Sitting back, watching as your platter is depleted by those closest and dearest to you. Swathes of ham gone in minutes. Those friendly bastards.


Pro: You get to say swathes

Swathes of ham. Glorious swathes of ham. Much as the grammatical rule taught to thousands of schoolchildren every year "i before e except after c", there is a similar and equally as useful rule that you can apply to pork. Repeat after me; "Swathes before Ham but not before beef, or salmon etc". Catchy non?

Swathes of Ham


Pro:  People will like you for your ham

Fickle? For the purposes of this blog we will assume that these people already liked you. They will flock to you, asking for the secrets to your delicious foodstuff as if they were asking for the location of the fountain of eternal youth. You should never shatter the illusion, instead reinforce this myth will tales of exotic spices for maximum anecdotal kudos.

On the flip side, you should never reveal that you found the recipe on the first page of Google, furthermore from a shortlisted sample of recipes and simply chose the one that didn't describe temperature in Fahrenheit. Lets not complicate things.

I hope that clears some of the stigma usually attached to cooking a ham. Next year I aim to tackle which supermarket offers the best mini Indian selection platter and other such catering trivialities.

I wish you a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from all of us here at Simple Lampoon! (Me.)

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