Alternatives to Your Usual Coffee Caffeine Kick

Alternatives to Your Usual Coffee Caffeine Kick

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Feel like your lack of energy is stopping you from reaching your full potential? Do you dream of being a successful entrepreneur selling pirate themed bungee jumps? Or do you have aspirations of floating around in space, as proper astronaut, not just one of Richard Bransons chums? Well stop crying, firstly astronauts can't cry in zero G and it's no good for your training. Why stick to coffee though? Over 400 billion cups are consumed each year but there's a whole new world out there. Good old uncle caffeine is here to massage your irregularly beating heart just enough to get that spreadsheet finished. Well, not finished, it was already finished, but you sort of broke it and you now have to fix it. Idiot.

If people can eat it, drink it, or smear it across their foreheads, then at some point, someone has tried to put caffeine in it. And I've probably bought it, for research obviously.

After extensive research I bring you: unjustifiable alternatives to coffee...

Water Joe

Keeping it simple, 'Water Joe', the water with added caffeine. Presumably for those who like to replenish to eye twitching levels of motivation in relative secrecy. I have had the misfortune of trying Water Joe's, purely for research purposes, definitely not by mistake. The website states that it's odourless and tasteless, which is either a massive porkie, or my taste-buds are superhumanly sensitive. I'm flattered.

Water Joe

 

The only resemblance to this and water is the transparency. It tastes like molten clingfilm. Moving on then...

 

Alpecin - Caffeine Shampoo

You may have even seen this advert on your telly box. Shampoo, the stuff we use to clean our hair, to rid ourselves of the grubbyness and greasiness caused in part by our commute to work through the smog. I mention this because Alpecin is marketed like car engine oil. Drawing comparisons between your hair follicles and a V8 engine is apparently makes marketing sense.

Alpecin's USP is caffeine. Presumably to make your hair grow - FAST. Faster than other slow shampoos with smaller engines. Pah! Laugh in the face of lesser haired individuals. Fed up with making up scientific sounding ingredients with clever names. Alpecin have gone back to basics. Pick an ingredient that people recognise... Jam? No, too sticky, not jam try again. Caffeine? Yes perfect.

Perky Jerky

No it's not a character from a 1920's cartoon, it's beef jerky coated in teriyaki-pepper flavouring with the added boost of guarana. I'm really not sure who this appeals to, sleepy jerky fanatics? If you are a rather tired mountain ranger then you are in luck my friend. Fill your boots. For the rest of us, I can't imagine whipping this out in the office. Plus it does kinda look like a condom packet. There's that too.

Perky Jerky

I'm not really sure I've presented any viable options, but then if you are seriously contemplating anything other than coffee then you must be on the edge. And there's an app for that too! Just enter your preferred energy product into the Death by Caffeine Calculator and it will tell you how much you will need to consume to end it all!

400 Billion cups a year of coffee - I can see why...

 

Perky Jerky Image: Jeff Sass
Water Joe Image: Ranti

 

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