Food Presentation Crimes – A Slating

Food Presentation Crimes – A Slating


My favourite activity is eating, followed closely by going on boats and quoting Father Ted (sometimes at the same time). In recent times I’ve noticed a worrying surge in the amount of Food Presentation Crimes (hereby referred to as FPCs), to the extent that I’ve decided to list them here for you, in the hope that we can start some sort of petition or suchlike. Feel free to add your own in the comments to this already formidable buffet of woe.

Food on slates/boards

I think this was probably the first FPC I noticed, and I’d like to lay the blame squarely (or rectangularly?) at Jamie Oliver’s door. His 30 Minute Meals show wisely put forward wooden boards as a quick and easy way to present a meal with less presentation and washing up time needed. However, if I’m paying top dollar for a roast dinner, I don’t want the contents brought to my table in an assemble-it-yourself platter – just look at those precious meat juices being soaked up by the wood! The condiments/sauces go everywhere! Aside from the aesthetic woes, the porous wood must be a food hygiene nightmare, no?

Chips in buckets

Again, for the sake of wanting to make things appear neater/jazzier, you then forgo common sense and practicality. Also leads to a condition known as ‘rusty bucket’. What was the origin of these tiny buckets? Gnome building contractors? A grossly miscalculated manufacturing run of replica Bill and Ben dolls? Talking of annoying pots…

hobgoblin burger

Condiments in tiny pots

Yes, we all love things in miniature, (iPads, heroes, Shetland ponies etc) but this one just takes the biscuit.

I mean, what is the point of supplying me with mustard if I can only scrape out 20% of it with my knife? I’ve had enough trips to Patisserie Valerie and pocketed enough of the mini pots of jam to know that these teeny pots are good to look at only, but wholly impractical to use as any sort of food container.

Vegetables in side dishes

Just put them on the plate with the rest of my food. You know, the ‘plate’ – the traditional ceramic area where the food goes. No - not that, that’s a slate. Oh never mind.

Napkins under food

I guess putting the napkin under my slice of cake means that it’s impervious to a passing gust of wind or the nimble fingers of a thieving squirrel (do they have fingers?), but it also means that should I wish to use it to dab away some stray lemon curd from my chin, I’ll instead be replacing it with crumbs or butter grease that it has acquired whilst being nestled underneath my delicious snack. Pointless.


I want my roast dinner swimming in gravy, and then I want a little gravy boat served too. It is the British Way. Too many establishments seem to be taking the ‘gourmet approach’ and drizzling a small and delicate amount over the food, and then charging extra if you want to be able to drench your food. A dry roast is a sad roast, end of.

Did I miss any? I bet I missed some... BUT WHICH ONES?

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