Bristol is Londoners’ New Favourite Coffee Shop
Upwards of ninety percent of Londoners have declared they could ‘definitely see themselves living in Bristol’. The proclamation came after residents of Croydon were caught hiring lookalike actors to roam Southville in a bid to actually ‘see themselves living here’ before colonising the area.
Meanwhile, Londoners clubbed together to bribe the judges of the ‘bestest city that wot does falafels and that competition’ into not choosing their own city due to the already “unacceptably long” Deliveroo delivery estimates. A spokesman for Deliveroo claimed “some dim residents dim sum were summed up in indemnity sums” before he swallowed his own tongue in a show of solidarity.
London overcrowding reached a ‘Dick-head’ when 3 men called Richard all tried to claim the same coffee order, leading to one man being thrown to the grounds, and another latte for work. The standard ‘name-on-cup’ ordering system ineffective against multiple Dicks waving about in the Autumn breeze. Some say it had been brewing for years and had reached boiling point.
Other notable criteria in Bristol winning the accolade was the fact that 78% of Americans thought it was near London anyway. The remaining 22% had confused the West Country with fictional show Westworld, hoping for an orgy of violence but left disappointed that the only rage they felt was for spending £5.60 on a hot chocolate and panini to go.
The rising popularity of the area has seen increase in a number of bizarre occurrences reported. One group of males who made the trip from the big smoke were left bewildered after they mistook ‘Temple Meads’ for a craft beer festival that had “taken appreciation of medieval style beverages to biblical levels” - a 'temple of meads' if you will.
Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s famous architecture is also under threat. The number of photos taken of Clifton Suspension Bridge is so high that flash photography is damaging the structure. It has been calculated that in the next 20 years, the bleaching from flashes will render the bridge completely monochrome. Locals have argued that this is “how the bridge always appeared” in old photos anyway.
While on the rural outskirts; shade cast by a monstrous armada of hot-air balloons is hampering farming efforts. The balloons emerged from the Earth like a plague of locusts, blotting out the sun for days at a time. A drop in crop-production due to this darkness leading to a price increase in kale, crispy kale, and more worryingly Keenan-and-Kale.
Lastly, a woman had to be flown home from the French shipping port of Cherbourg, after she mistakenly wandered into a shipping container in search of a recently opened pop-up florist near Wapping Wharf.