2 Birch 1 Banger THE DARE

2 Birch 1 Banger THE DARE

UPDATE

The boys have now smashed through their crowdfunding target, but aren't giving up there, and continue to raise money for Greenwich & Bexley Community Hospice as well as the Mongol Rally charity of choice – Cool Earth.

You may remember that for just £100 you could set them a dare along their journey. With the help of Tim, Ed, Seth, Chris, Matt, Steve, Olly, Josh, Ben and Matty, we have scraped together enough Brexit tokens (£'s) to add a dare. A lampoon.

It is this:

THE DARE: MAKE A WHITE RUSSIAN WITH MILK DIRECT FROM THE TEAT OF A GOAT. 

(take a second to let that sink in)

Off you go lads. 

If you'd like to pledge for a dare or chuck in a tenner you can do so at the link below. 

2 Birch 1 Banger Fundraising Page

The story so far...

It all started with a text: 

"fancy doing the Mongol Rally next year, get an old Corsa and bosh it to Mongolia. Would be banter"

Enter Bantersaurus Rex and The Archbishop of Banterbury - the Birch brothers.

Birch and Birch, sans shitwagon. 

Birch and Birch, sans shitwagon. 

The rules of the Mongol Rally are gloriously simple…

1. You can only take a farcically small vehicle
2. You’re completely on your own
3. You've got to raise £1000 for charity

I caught up with Bantony Hopkins and the Bantom of the opera to find out how long they can feasibly last without ending up in Bantanamo Bay (in their monumental shit-wagon affectionately named Gladys..)

Rule 1 of the Mongol rally just says ‘Small & Shit’ is that what you had in mind when you acquired Gladys? Also why Gladys? 

Rich: Gladys was the result of a series of hungover purchases looking for our chariot. The first was a Suzuki Samurai for £270, but that was apparently too good. When I found Gladys (1982 Fiat Fiorino). The rally organisers confirmed Gladys was “deliciously shit” which I guess makes her perfect. The name Gladys seemed appropriate for an old french lady.

This is what Gladys looked like in her heyday. Yeah, I know, still shit. 

This is what Gladys looked like in her heyday. Yeah, I know, still shit. 

“one suggestion has been to do a handbrake turn across the Russian border...”

Chris: The vast amount of rubbish cars Rich sent me, I was just thankful that we settled on this one. Looking at videos from previous Mongol Rally’s we wanted to do it in something different.

Also the interior of the car is so 80s it looks like we are in the inside of the movie Tron, topical given some of the nations dubious political and human rights records we'll be visiting belong in the 80's too. 

Practical question. How many pairs of pants are you taking?

Rich: Swimwear. That is all.

Chris: One pair of white Calvin Klein boxers, some lucky person is in for a treat. 

It’s all for charity and that but no one reading this cares about that bit, sorry. What can we get if we donate? Good stuff that might get us in the Lad Bible preferably.

Rich: The dare ‘perk’ is worrying, one suggestion has been to do a handbrake turn across the Russian border.

Chris: Apart from the pants (that was just a joke) the most desirable is the “virtual ride along” so for £250 we will get you as a cardboard cutout and take it with us so you can pretend on Facebook that you are with us. Maybe get you incriminated in dodgy activity by waving you about in front of CCTV at an Kazakhstani hardware store. Who knows. 

Gladys. You are about to be violated my dear. I am so sorry for what you are about to witness. Bon Voyage. 

Gladys. You are about to be violated my dear. I am so sorry for what you are about to witness. Bon Voyage. 

How much bribe money are you taking, and in what denominations? Does a bunch of five $20 notes have greater impact than one $100?

Rich: I’m hoping for the bribes to be considerably less than $100, more like a pack of Marlboro Reds and some vintage football stickers. Darren Anderton and a Sheffield Wednesday shiny would do it. 

Chris: £100 and when that runs out, some RibMan sauce I reckon could hold some serious weight over there. Plus the joke will be on them when after tasting it they have the arse resembling the Japanese flag, the robbing bastards.

Do you think you’ll poo in every country or are there some small bits that you’ll just drive through and not need to? Because I went through Switzerland a few weeks ago and straight into France and I missed the opportunity and I do feel like I missed out. Maybe I needed some RibMan sauce...

Rich: On the first day we hope to do France, Belgium, holland and Germany. I'm honestly not sure if I can poo four times in 24 hours, but i'll give it my best shot.

Chris: My plumbing is normally clockwork, but one dodgy sheeps testicle and it will be a free for all.

Day one. Rich snaps the key in the door because he's been in the gym too long and got too excited about the thought of several weeks inside a shit French van. 

Day one. Rich snaps the key in the door because he's been in the gym too long and got too excited about the thought of several weeks inside a shit French van. 

How many times are you going to break-down do you estimate?

Rich: 2 a day, with a couple of severe ones along the route 

Chris: I reckon 25 times, all of which I'll leave to Rich. 

How is Gladys?..

Rich: She's left hand drive so it's already quite awkward, burns a lot of oil and smells quite carbon ‘monoxidey’ but I'm sure it's fine. They always manage on Top Gear and they never have a full support team, back-up vehicles, GPS, almost infinite supply cash, experience, etc etc. Oh, no they do. 

Chris: The French guy we bought Gladys off said it was fine so why wouldn't it be?...

Take a look at the 'deliciously shit' perks on offer over on the fundraising page. Chuck a tenner in, it'll be worth it. It's going to be funny. I once saw Rich try and burn cactus spines out of his arm. They need all the help they can get...

2 Birch 1 Banger Fundraising Page

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